Surrender

The past month has been a whirlpool of emotions, bringing me to depths of despair I hadn't felt in a while. It's as if something had shut off, and I could no longer keep the lights on for more than a brief moment. We found out we had three glorious embryos waiting for genetic test results only to learn days later that none were "viable." Two would have ended in a miscarriage and one had down syndrome. 

It made me wonder if it would have been better to not have known in advance and just had a baby with down syndrome. I believe my husband and I can handle the challenges while loving and supporting a child with special needs. Then again, perhaps we can't and that was why we were given the choice before the embryo was transferred. If I had no other options, would I choose to transfer the embryo knowing my baby would have challenges that others would not have to face? Is that unfair of me? Would my child resent me for it? How can I even think of raising a child if I can't even get myself out of this funk?

I drifted through life in a haze for the next few weeks, doing the bare minimum that would keep me from regretting my actions. I attended a baby baptism, sincerely congratulated my brother- and sister-in-law when their new daughter arrived, and repressed the desire to bail on a good friend's surprise bridal shower. 

There were days that my body just gave up trying and forced me to sleep for hours despite having slept eight hours the previous night. I started running again and cut out coffee to try to elevate my mood and increase my energy. I started seeing an acupuncturist to remove any potential blockages in my chi. I watched feel-good movies and listened to audio books for entertainment rather than education - things that used to help me pull through challenging times. Nothing seemed to be working.

But last night, I had breakthrough that I hope will last. A realization - no a reminder - that God's plan is the best. He would not deny me something I wanted unless it meant something better would come in its absence. Perhaps having a child earlier in life would have ended my marriage or even my life due to complications. Perhaps those pregnancies would have all ended in miscarriages and having experienced one, I cringe and weep at the thought. Or perhaps the child would have grown to cause other ripple effects that would make some other overall outcome less than perfect.

I don't pretend to know, and I don't pretend to like not knowing. However, seemingly as quickly as the spark died within last month, a new flame has been lit. My prayers to grow in faith appear to have been answered. I surrender to my fate, to God's better plan than the ones I create for myself. What will be will be because it's as it should be. I will continue to keep taking steps forward, one at a time, and I know eventually I will be able to see.