Crossroads Again

Well, we decided to transfer the frozen embryo.  For a few days, we were elated after getting a positive on a home pregnancy test.  Then the test started to get lighter and the blood tests confirmed what we knew in our hearts.  We miscarried (had a biochemical pregnancy).

That was September.

This month, I have been wrapping my head around whether or not to take birth control pills.  If we do anymore fertility treatments, it will be with a donor egg.  Ever since my miscarriage in 2016, I've had increasingly painful menstrual cramps.  It started out a few hours a month to a full day, to two days, to two to three days around my period and a day to a day-and-a-half around ovulation. 

Up until three cycles ago, the cramps were manageable enough when I took Advil and Tylenol - they still required time off work, but I could deal with it. Then for some reason, the cramps didn't go away.  I ended up going to the ER to make sure it wasn't anything else.  And, of course, they found nothing concrete.  So I most likely have endometriosis, which doesn't really have a cure but can be effectively managed with birth control.

I feel silly for hesitating to take the birth control.  It's not like we've been able to get pregnant naturally in the past six years.  But there's something "final" about taking the pill - even though I know in my head that it's not final in anyway.

What I do know is that I'm tired of not feeling comfortable with my body - disconnected because there's an irrational line of thought that if I were better connected, then the failure of getting pregnant would cuts more deeply.

I miss feeling strong. I miss feeling beautiful.

If I take the pill, I feel like it should be empowering - taking control of my body...but it's just not the decision I would have preferred to make if the choice were really mine.

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