Haters Need Not Apply

Where’d I leave off? Oh yes, the clinic with a potential Asian egg donor and no longer knowing what I want to do. During our consultation, the new doctor said he believes I have an 80-90% chance to have a baby with my own eggs. This new doctor describes his clinic as the clinic of last resort. According to my current doctor, the new clinic uses questionable methods that are not supported by data. Their success track record on third-party sites are less than stellar. None of these statements are necessarily inconsistent with each other. A study by the new doctor does support his methods, but the sample size was limited and does not appear to have been replicated – successfully or unsuccessfully. Their track record could be less than others because their target client comes to them as a last resort. Anyway, after discussing our track record with IVF, the new doctor proposed a new theory why we weren’t getting pregnant – on our own or through IVF. One possible issue is that my ovaries are...

I typically try to avoid "testing" God by asking for signs. However, I've started to wonder if I do this because I lack faith or I am just too scared to test my faith (which essentially circles back to lacking faith). Twice now, I have resolved myself to accept that I will not get pregnant with my own eggs. The first time was after three unsuccessful rounds of IVF. Considering we paid out-of-pocket for three rounds of IVF and only had one embryo transfer that didn't take, it didn't seem possible or prudent to continue trying. We did have one spark of hope in that our embryos always made it to Day 3; however, our clinic had a policy of only transferring Day 5 embryos. So we started discussing foster and adoption options. About a week later, we successfully completed a cash-out refinance of our home that covered the initial three rounds of IVF.  On top of that, my husband's employer decided to partner with a PEO (professional employer organization) to handle ben...

Ok, not quite sure this is dirty or little, but it is something that has been weighing on my heart that I am reluctant to admit: I may not want to have kids. I don't know if I'm just tired of constantly thinking about fertility for the past five years or if I am finally surrendering to my fate of infertility. I could just be scared of change as I gain a little traction in transitioning away from a life of waiting to get pregnant. Or...perhaps I actually dare to think about a childless future where my husband and I can prioritize our own lives, have more discretionary income for whatever, and the freedom to travel and take risks that we wouldn't have if we had young kids to think about. While there have been a few things we have had to passed up on because it might interfere with a  potential pregnancy, at the end of the day, we still have been able to enjoy a rather abundant life. Perhaps that's enough. I decided to start a new business earlier this year. However, for e...

So, I obviously haven't mastered the discipline to post regularly...although I suppose even once a year could be considered "regular." Anyway, I found myself wanting to update this blog when I learned that a friend had randomly stumbled across it.  Honestly, I didn't think anybody would read these, and I don't really expect anyone else to read them moving forward. However, her telling me that she read them brought memories of a disclaimer I used to write on all my journals growing up. They said something to the effect that these were my thoughts and if you happen to be reading them to please at least read everything so you have context for what you read and that it would be an injustice if you (random reader) would judge me based on an isolated entry. In that vein, I continue to write. There's no way I could fit my whole essence into this blog, but I can't blame someone for judging a tiny portion of me if that is all I offer to disclose. So much life has h...