Signs, Omens and Frustration (with Hope) - Part 1

I typically try to avoid "testing" God by asking for signs. However, I've started to wonder if I do this because I lack faith or I am just too scared to test my faith (which essentially circles back to lacking faith).

Twice now, I have resolved myself to accept that I will not get pregnant with my own eggs.

The first time was after three unsuccessful rounds of IVF. Considering we paid out-of-pocket for three rounds of IVF and only had one embryo transfer that didn't take, it didn't seem possible or prudent to continue trying. We did have one spark of hope in that our embryos always made it to Day 3; however, our clinic had a policy of only transferring Day 5 embryos. So we started discussing foster and adoption options.

About a week later, we successfully completed a cash-out refinance of our home that covered the initial three rounds of IVF. 

On top of that, my husband's employer decided to partner with a PEO (professional employer organization) to handle benefits, which meant that he now worked for a large employer who was required by law to provide health insurance that covers fertility treatments.

So we decided to find a clinic that would transfer a Day 3 embryo or to explore IVF options not using my own eggs - either way, we would be able to work with a better - more expensive but now covered under health insurance - fertility clinic.

Even with the help of our old fertility coordinator making calls, we were only able to identify one nearby clinic, in upstate New York, that would do a Day 3 embryo transfer. We had a consultation with that clinic and decided we were not comfortable with other practices embraced by that clinic. So we (me) researched nearby Day 5 embryo transfer clinics and selected one that was conveniently located for the many, many monitoring appointments and that had a great track record for fertility patients my age.

When we finally met with the new doctor, completely prepared to discuss donor egg options, the world seemed to have a different agenda. When we make plans, God laughs...right?

After reviewing my file and conducting another ultrasound, the new doctor was convinced it was worth us trying another round of IVF with my own eggs with their clinic. So we tried. And failed. And tried two more times and failed again, and again.

So we are back to exploring IVF options not using my own eggs. And let me tell you it is quite the task to sift through donor profiles on multiple databases - weighing the chance of finding someone who looks like me and the benefits of just picking a donor who is really pretty.

No luck so far in finding a donor who looks like me, but my husband and I found a potential donor who is really pretty, is Asian, and has some personality traits similar to me. Issue though, she is attached to a different clinic, and our clinic does not currently have any potential donors that we want to pursue.

So I made an appointment with this other clinic to see if they would work with my current clinic or if we would have to transfer clinics if we wanted to use this one one particular donor.

And this is where the world/God laughs again.