Dirty Little Secret...

Ok, not quite sure this is dirty or little, but it is something that has been weighing on my heart that I am reluctant to admit: I may not want to have kids.

I don't know if I'm just tired of constantly thinking about fertility for the past five years or if I am finally surrendering to my fate of infertility. I could just be scared of change as I gain a little traction in transitioning away from a life of waiting to get pregnant. Or...perhaps I actually dare to think about a childless future where my husband and I can prioritize our own lives, have more discretionary income for whatever, and the freedom to travel and take risks that we wouldn't have if we had young kids to think about. While there have been a few things we have had to passed up on because it might interfere with a  potential pregnancy, at the end of the day, we still have been able to enjoy a rather abundant life. Perhaps that's enough.

I decided to start a new business earlier this year. However, for every step forward, I feel like I went two - or more - steps back every time we did a round of IVF that failed. Now that our latest cycle is about a month behind us and I'm not gearing up for another upcoming round, I finally feel like I've only been moving forward - slowly, but all forward movement.

I know I don't have to decide anything right now. And I've scheduled some appointments over the next couple of months that would keep our options open. Beyond that, I just don't know.

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