Haters Need Not Apply

It's funny that I finally started realizing how much I was looking forward to being a mom and owning that desire about a week ago, only to find out days later that this last round of IVF did not work and I am not sure that I even want to transfer the blastocyst (5 day embryo) I have on ice. While the frozen embryo did make it to day 5 in a lab, it's not the best grade. Obviously we won't make a decision until we have our consultation with our doctor about this last round, but the fact that I'm even considering not transferring it came as a bit of a shock. While I am angry and frustrated with my fertility journey, I'm also in a place where it is what it is. I supposed you could call it a place of acceptance. This particular path that I'm on is the path I'm meant to be on - for better or worse. I don't know that I've necessarily been fighting against my fate, but I do feel like I have less resistance for whatever is coming next.

So I know I skipped some details, but for now, this blog is for me, so I am just going to speak from where I'm currently at. I had three embryos transferred on Monday, and now I am waiting to see if the last round of IVF worked. I try to focus on being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise), but honestly, my body, my heart, and my soul is just tired.  I suppose the good thing about being truly tired is that I'm too tired to feel frustrated - at least right now. 

 I’ve wanted to write a book for as long as I can remember. I’ve started hundreds of stories and outlined almost as many. The idea that I could control the outcome of the story and be anything I wanted to be, be good at anything I wanted to do - what power.  And then I’d pause and wonder if I am missing the point of appreciating who I am, the struggles I’ve had to endure. Mind you, I don’t have a childhood sob story where I was beaten everyday or locked in a closet and kept half-starved. Did I mention that I have an active imagination? But I’ve always had this sense that God has exposed me to a variety of life challenges so I would have the capacity to at least have a glimpse of what some of those more intense experiences feel like and could relate to others who’ve had it worse and could use a empathetic ear.  I know, I know, a little grandiose of me to think that I would be groomed for such a impactful role in humanity. And yet? Perhaps we all are groomed for such an imp...