Living Life On Hold No More

I don't know if it was the pandemic, nearly losing my husband to unexplained internal bleeding, supporting friends and family who lost loved ones, paying out-of-pocket for three rounds of IVF (in vitro fertilization) with no success, or all of the above and then some, but something had to change.

This year has been about walking the walk for me.  I have often spouted ideals about living life to its fullest and finding your own path instead of just following what society tells us is right and is good. However, when I'm being honest with myself, I've more or less been living life on hold - afraid to commit to something too long-term or to try something new with a real risk of failure. I've justified my inaction because it was easy. I allowed others to enable me with emotional support to remain still. When I worried that I needed to get off my lazy bum, they would say: Be kind to yourself.  You deserve it. You've been through a lot.


I'm not saying those statements aren't valid. In fact, they remain true today as they ever have. But I'm learning it's my interpretation of those statements that will keep me on MY chosen path. In the past, I attributed those statements to justify taking the easier route, to only pursuing opportunities laid at my feet.


For 2021, I am choosing to take action, to take back the trajectory of my life. After much reflection, I decided to start practicing law again - this time on my terms - by opening up my own firm. It's been scary with so many frustrations already, but I am going to persevere. Why? To be kind to myself. Because I deserve it. Since I've been through a lot.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Random Thoughts . . .

     I recently spoke with someone who is planning to share her spiritual journey through a blog and seemed completely unaware of the possibility that some people reading her blog may have a negative reaction to her content.  I've always considered myself a practical optimist, but have I unknowingly slipped into the realm of the cynic?     I don't like the idea that someone was super motivated about something until they talked to me.  I'm not saying I necessarily have that power of that woman, but I definitely know what it feels like to have my rose-colored glasses yanked off my face without warning.  So if I did that, I apologize to her and the world for not being able to communicate more compassionately.     I think it hit me harder too because I have also been in the process of terminating a person's employment.  While it was the right thing to do, and I believe we did it as compassionately as possible, it still sucks.  It's...
Read more

The Cards We Are Dealt

It's funny that I finally started realizing how much I was looking forward to being a mom and owning that desire about a week ago, only to find out days later that this last round of IVF did not work and I am not sure that I even want to transfer the blastocyst (5 day embryo) I have on ice. While the frozen embryo did make it to day 5 in a lab, it's not the best grade. Obviously we won't make a decision until we have our consultation with our doctor about this last round, but the fact that I'm even considering not transferring it came as a bit of a shock. While I am angry and frustrated with my fertility journey, I'm also in a place where it is what it is. I supposed you could call it a place of acceptance. This particular path that I'm on is the path I'm meant to be on - for better or worse. I don't know that I've necessarily been fighting against my fate, but I do feel like I have less resistance for whatever is coming next.
Read more

Crossroads Again

Well, we decided to transfer the frozen embryo.  For a few days, we were elated after getting a positive on a home pregnancy test.  Then the test started to get lighter and the blood tests confirmed what we knew in our hearts.  We miscarried (had a biochemical pregnancy). That was September. This month, I have been wrapping my head around whether or not to take birth control pills.  If we do anymore fertility treatments, it will be with a donor egg.  Ever since my miscarriage in 2016, I've had increasingly painful menstrual cramps.  It started out a few hours a month to a full day, to two days, to two to three days around my period and a day to a day-and-a-half around ovulation.  Up until three cycles ago, the cramps were manageable enough when I took Advil and Tylenol - they still required time off work, but I could deal with it. Then for some reason, the cramps didn't go away.  I ended up going to the ER to make sure it wasn't anything else....
Read more