Haters Need Not Apply

Ok, not quite sure this is dirty or little, but it is something that has been weighing on my heart that I am reluctant to admit: I may not want to have kids. I don't know if I'm just tired of constantly thinking about fertility for the past five years or if I am finally surrendering to my fate of infertility. I could just be scared of change as I gain a little traction in transitioning away from a life of waiting to get pregnant. Or...perhaps I actually dare to think about a childless future where my husband and I can prioritize our own lives, have more discretionary income for whatever, and the freedom to travel and take risks that we wouldn't have if we had young kids to think about. While there have been a few things we have had to passed up on because it might interfere with a  potential pregnancy, at the end of the day, we still have been able to enjoy a rather abundant life. Perhaps that's enough. I decided to start a new business earlier this year. However, for e...

So, I obviously haven't mastered the discipline to post regularly...although I suppose even once a year could be considered "regular." Anyway, I found myself wanting to update this blog when I learned that a friend had randomly stumbled across it.  Honestly, I didn't think anybody would read these, and I don't really expect anyone else to read them moving forward. However, her telling me that she read them brought memories of a disclaimer I used to write on all my journals growing up. They said something to the effect that these were my thoughts and if you happen to be reading them to please at least read everything so you have context for what you read and that it would be an injustice if you (random reader) would judge me based on an isolated entry. In that vein, I continue to write. There's no way I could fit my whole essence into this blog, but I can't blame someone for judging a tiny portion of me if that is all I offer to disclose. So much life has h...

The past month has been a whirlpool of emotions, bringing me to depths of despair I hadn't felt in a while. It's as if something had shut off, and I could no longer keep the lights on for more than a brief moment. We found out we had three glorious embryos waiting for genetic test results only to learn days later that none were "viable." Two would have ended in a miscarriage and one had down syndrome.  It made me wonder if it would have been better to not have known in advance and just had a baby with down syndrome. I believe my husband and I can handle the challenges while loving and supporting a child with special needs. Then again, perhaps we can't and that was why we were given the choice before the embryo was transferred. If I had no other options, would I choose to transfer the embryo knowing my baby would have challenges that others would not have to face? Is that unfair of me? Would my child resent me for it? How can I even think of raising a child if I ca...

According to Albert Einstein, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." I've gone through four unsuccessful rounds of IVF, and now am waiting on the outcome of the fifth try. I barely remember an existence where I wasn't injecting myself with hormones or preparing my body to be "more" receptive to the injections between rounds or waiting for the results of the last egg retrieval, just to have to wait to find out the number of eggs successfully fertilized, followed by how many develop enough to be biopsied for genetic testing and then frozen until I get the results of those genetic tests. And to add to the mental and emotional stress of waiting, hoping and managing expectations, there's the havoc inflicted on my emotional state on a chemical level - going through symptoms of pregnancy even though I know I'm not, wanting to cry all day and claw for any distraction that will grant some res...

I don't know if it was the pandemic, nearly losing my husband to unexplained internal bleeding, supporting friends and family who lost loved ones, paying out-of-pocket for three rounds of IVF (in vitro fertilization) with no success, or all of the above and then some, but something had to change. This year has been about walking the walk for me.  I have often spouted ideals about living life to its fullest and finding your own path instead of just following what society tells us is right and is good. However, when I'm being honest with myself, I've more or less been living life on hold - afraid to commit to something too long-term or to try something new with a real risk of failure. I've justified my inaction because it was easy. I allowed others to enable me with emotional support to remain still. When I worried that I needed to get off my lazy bum, they would say: Be kind to yourself .  You deserve it . You've been through a lot . I'm not saying those statemen...

I never considered myself a coward, but evidence is clearly pointing in one direction. I guess I just needed to identify the things I avoided in order to not have to face the fear within. I used to think I was an open book, and I was so excited to start a blog – intending it to reveal my authentic self to anyone who wanted to get to know me. Almost three years later, I finally got around to writing (and posting) my first entry. The catalyst to writing today? I read a book called, “Fail Fast, Fail Often: How Losing Can Help You Win,” by Ryan Babineaux and John D. Krumboltz. So many thoughts are running through my head right now, but I will endeavor to focus my point in sharing this book for this entry. It occurred to me the other day that I have been avoiding this blog because I feared being a failure. I feared that I would prove to myself that I was fake and so far from being authentic. I feared that while I say I like who I am, if I revealed my inner thoughts to others and then receiv...

I am what I am, and yet that is always changing - and I wouldn't have it any other way. I fancy myself as a decent person who wants to live an extraordinary life and help others to do the same. While my confidence to do that oscillates day-to-day, I am grateful to be supported by a loving and amazing man who reminds me to not be too quick to judge while still trusting my instincts. I have held a variety of jobs, ranging from a cashier to an attorney, that I believe keeps me grounded with a broad perspective. I have felt intimidated by teenagers and possess the courage (and stupidity) to pet a lion. If life has taught me anything in my humble years, it's that life is what you make of it. While you can't protect yourself against setbacks and disappointments, you have the power to interpret your experiences and designate their value and significance in your life. I grew up in Ohio, lived a few years in Southern California, spent a decade in NYC, and now reside in Montclair, NJ...