Haters Need Not Apply

Well, we decided to transfer the frozen embryo.  For a few days, we were elated after getting a positive on a home pregnancy test.  Then the test started to get lighter and the blood tests confirmed what we knew in our hearts.  We miscarried (had a biochemical pregnancy). That was September. This month, I have been wrapping my head around whether or not to take birth control pills.  If we do anymore fertility treatments, it will be with a donor egg.  Ever since my miscarriage in 2016, I've had increasingly painful menstrual cramps.  It started out a few hours a month to a full day, to two days, to two to three days around my period and a day to a day-and-a-half around ovulation.  Up until three cycles ago, the cramps were manageable enough when I took Advil and Tylenol - they still required time off work, but I could deal with it. Then for some reason, the cramps didn't go away.  I ended up going to the ER to make sure it wasn't anything else....

It's funny that I finally started realizing how much I was looking forward to being a mom and owning that desire about a week ago, only to find out days later that this last round of IVF did not work and I am not sure that I even want to transfer the blastocyst (5 day embryo) I have on ice. While the frozen embryo did make it to day 5 in a lab, it's not the best grade. Obviously we won't make a decision until we have our consultation with our doctor about this last round, but the fact that I'm even considering not transferring it came as a bit of a shock. While I am angry and frustrated with my fertility journey, I'm also in a place where it is what it is. I supposed you could call it a place of acceptance. This particular path that I'm on is the path I'm meant to be on - for better or worse. I don't know that I've necessarily been fighting against my fate, but I do feel like I have less resistance for whatever is coming next.

So I know I skipped some details, but for now, this blog is for me, so I am just going to speak from where I'm currently at. I had three embryos transferred on Monday, and now I am waiting to see if the last round of IVF worked. I try to focus on being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise), but honestly, my body, my heart, and my soul is just tired.  I suppose the good thing about being truly tired is that I'm too tired to feel frustrated - at least right now. 

 I’ve wanted to write a book for as long as I can remember. I’ve started hundreds of stories and outlined almost as many. The idea that I could control the outcome of the story and be anything I wanted to be, be good at anything I wanted to do - what power.  And then I’d pause and wonder if I am missing the point of appreciating who I am, the struggles I’ve had to endure. Mind you, I don’t have a childhood sob story where I was beaten everyday or locked in a closet and kept half-starved. Did I mention that I have an active imagination? But I’ve always had this sense that God has exposed me to a variety of life challenges so I would have the capacity to at least have a glimpse of what some of those more intense experiences feel like and could relate to others who’ve had it worse and could use a empathetic ear.  I know, I know, a little grandiose of me to think that I would be groomed for such a impactful role in humanity. And yet? Perhaps we all are groomed for such an imp...

Where’d I leave off? Oh yes, the clinic with a potential Asian egg donor and no longer knowing what I want to do. During our consultation, the new doctor said he believes I have an 80-90% chance to have a baby with my own eggs. This new doctor describes his clinic as the clinic of last resort. According to my current doctor, the new clinic uses questionable methods that are not supported by data. Their success track record on third-party sites are less than stellar. None of these statements are necessarily inconsistent with each other. A study by the new doctor does support his methods, but the sample size was limited and does not appear to have been replicated – successfully or unsuccessfully. Their track record could be less than others because their target client comes to them as a last resort. Anyway, after discussing our track record with IVF, the new doctor proposed a new theory why we weren’t getting pregnant – on our own or through IVF. One possible issue is that my ovaries are...

I typically try to avoid "testing" God by asking for signs. However, I've started to wonder if I do this because I lack faith or I am just too scared to test my faith (which essentially circles back to lacking faith). Twice now, I have resolved myself to accept that I will not get pregnant with my own eggs. The first time was after three unsuccessful rounds of IVF. Considering we paid out-of-pocket for three rounds of IVF and only had one embryo transfer that didn't take, it didn't seem possible or prudent to continue trying. We did have one spark of hope in that our embryos always made it to Day 3; however, our clinic had a policy of only transferring Day 5 embryos. So we started discussing foster and adoption options. About a week later, we successfully completed a cash-out refinance of our home that covered the initial three rounds of IVF.  On top of that, my husband's employer decided to partner with a PEO (professional employer organization) to handle ben...